I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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