you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
