Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
