I like my sex mixed with concussions.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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