Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
