if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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