I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
