I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize