Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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