Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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