I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
