Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
