There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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