BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
