hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
