just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
