next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize