Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
