Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize