Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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