is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
