our cab driver is having phone sex.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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