The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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