he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
