can we get nightvision for the apartment?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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