Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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