I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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