whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
tell me about the eggs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
