I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
