Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
