I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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