david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
