i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
