My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
