Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
