Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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