i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
