I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize