they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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