My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
