Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
time to smoke my breakfast
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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