Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
