Who did Billy Mays play for?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
