So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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