I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if only i could text you this smell
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
