the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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