He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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