Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize