Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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