so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
