I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
