I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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