the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
3pm strippers are depressing
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
