When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
