Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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