new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
