Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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