Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
