I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's Friday. Sex?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
