I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
